Why is it so difficult to forgive our parents?

next- Many situations expose us to harm, from the most mundane situations such as being pushed on the subway to a nasty look in the store or a malicious comment from a co-worker to the most complex cases such as betrayal, abuse, rejection or insensitivity by even the closest members. Family The reality is that our parents and anyone else can hurt us in many ways, knowingly or unknowingly. However, in all the cases mentioned, there are only two options to choose before us: to truly and deeply forgive or to decide not to forgive and keep bitterness, anger and resentment in our hearts.

According to Ferraro, quoted by El Pais, Why is forgiveness so complicated? Why is forgiveness important? How can forgiveness really be done? Forgiveness means repeatedly recalling a past event that caused great suffering. In an article related to the most recent and comprehensive study on forgiveness, Tyler Vanderville, Ph.D., an epidemiologist and professor at the Harvard T. Chan School of Public Health, wrote:“Forgiving someone who has hurt you is never easy, but dwelling on those events and replaying them over and over again can fill one's mind with negative thoughts and suppressed anger.”. In that study, the perspective of several disciplines was used, and the results show that when forgiveness is taught, practiced, and actually achieved, the result is a high level of mental, emotional, and physical well-being for the person who has done the forgiveness, as well as symptoms. It reduces anxiety and depression.

Vanderville adds in that article: When you learn to forgive, you are no longer trapped by others' past actions and you can finally feel free.”

Everett L. Worthington, clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and one of the authors of that article, says how forgiveness can change the dynamics of relationships and improve many things in society.

“There are injustices that we experience every day and people don't have to forgive, but it's a choice to make or not to make,” he says. In the published article, we highlight two types of forgiveness: The first one is deciding to treat the offender differently as a valuable person without revenge, and the second type is emotional forgiveness, which includes replacing negative emotions such as hatred and disappointment with positive emotions towards the other party, such as empathy, sympathy, compassion and love.

For some of the research, Worthington says, participants performed exercises from a set of instructions. The researchers found that On average, it took only 3 to 3.5 hours to complete the forgiveness process. Worthington says:If we decide to achieve emotional forgiveness, we can free ourselves from suffering. This instruction takes us to the end result, which is forgiveness, in a very short period of time. However, it is important to clarify what forgiveness really means and whether we really want to do it or not.”

What is forgiveness and what is not?

The American Psychological Association defines forgiveness as: the voluntary release of resentment toward someone who has wronged you, treated you unfairly or hurtfully, or harmed you in some way. It requires a voluntary change in feelings, attitudes, and behavior so that the person is no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, and similar feelings toward the person who hurt them.

Italian biologist, meditation teacher and forgiveness expert Daniel Lomera says: “Forgiveness means understanding how to free yourself from actions and the need to act in response to deep anger, sadness and instead react with awareness, clarity and deep understanding of things”.

However, he adds one point: “The dynamics of forgiveness cannot be generalized and are unique. Sometimes it is easier to forgive parents because they are part of a more intimate process of defining our identity. We are more motivated to forgive them because they inspire feelings of unconditional love in us. “

Cognitive behavioral psychologist Unai Aso points out that forgiveness acts as a functional coping mechanism.

“It acts as a kind of letting go of past grudges and allows one to move forward,” he says. The process of parental forgiveness can be significantly different from individual forgiveness because of the unique nature of the parent-child relationship. I have seen many cases where it is much more difficult to forgive a person who is far from the core of the family, but the opposite can also happen, because the person did not expect such a severe injury from the parents.“.

Daniel Lomera says:So, then forgiveness is much more complicated because the pain is stronger“. He points out that forgiveness is an act of bravery, not a sign of weakness. Lomra adds:On the surface, it may seem that forgiveness is a useless practice, but it is exactly the opposite. Forgiveness can change the quality of our lives in incredible ways.”

Four Universal Key Steps to Forgiveness

Daniel Lomera summarizes the four universal stages of forgiveness that he has used in schools, prisons, and even with people who are dying.

Express: “I have to express what I feel and what I think in a very serious way and make it an honest and conscious practice. Saying, 'I forgive you, because you cheated on me,'” says Lomera. Or you let me go' is actually a conscious accusation. So, you can practice it without the person in front of you and get in touch with your deep pain. It's a very powerful way to let go, to be aware of What we feel is to show it, express it and take care of ourselves”.

Responsibility: He adds: “I have to understand that what I feel comes from within. If I am at peace inside, no one can make me angry. I have to take responsibility for what I feel, because it is the way I feel. I create, I can change it, because its source is internal”.

Acknowledgment and gratitude: It allows us to appreciate the things we have. “Then I tell myself, because I have a roof over my head and I have food and support. Every day we can get to know people, things and situations and search and discover what we value.” If I am grateful for something and can grow and evolve from it, I can be happy for whatever happened, then I have been able to evolve.”

Love: “Lumra” adds in the end: “It is a state of pervasive awareness in which the rupture between the self and the other person disappears and heals, and the person again experiences a place for reconciliation”.